Ask the Experts
My sixth-grader is insecure about her height
Question:
My 12-year-old daughter is very insecure because she is 5'10" and taller than all her friends. She is a good student and has always had great friends. However, in the past month she has cried on three separate occasions about how her friends don't like her. We talked about reasons why, and all she can say is: "I don't know what's wrong; they just won't include me anymore.” How can I help her feel more secure?
Answer:
Early adolescence is a challenging time for most kids. Not only do they have to cope with increased academic demands in middle school, but also their bodies and emotions are changing in dramatic ways. Something that used to be insignificant may suddenly and unexpectedly become a very big deal.
Because of all these changes, tweens become painfully self-conscious: They constantly compare themselves to others, worry endlessly about fitting in, and feel certain that others are as preoccupied with their looks and actions as they are. Middle-schoolers feel pressured to look and act like their peers and often find themselves lacking.
It’s not unusual for friendships to change or end in middle school, as students are exposed to different peer groups in classes and through extracurricular activities. At the same time, emotional intimacy with friends becomes increasingly important. If young people lose close friends (or even perceive that friends are unavailable to them), they can experience sudden and extreme feelings of loneliness and unworthiness.
To boost your daughter’s self-esteem, have her identify interests and areas in which she feels competent. Possibilities include athletics, reading, dance, gardening, music, social activities, art, and cooking. Young people feel best when they perform well in activities that are important to them. Consider signing her up for classes at the local recreation center or with local youth groups.
Research suggests that feeling supported contributes to lifelong positive self-esteem. Though your daughter may seem irrational or inconsolable at times, just having the opportunity to vent her frustrations and anxieties is extremely beneficial. Don’t try to talk her out of her fears, no matter how absurd they may seem. Just listen and be there for her. Make sure she’s also getting support from other adults and peers. Does she have a favorite aunt or family friend with whom she can spend time with?
Teach her to cope with her frustration. Self-esteem is boosted whenever we deal with issues rather than avoid them. As a parent, you can easily set an example by showing her how you solve day-to-day problems. Once adolescents learn effective coping skills, they are more likely to face new problems realistically.
Advice from our experts is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment from a health-care provider or learning expert familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's condition.
