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Ask the Experts

Should I Teach My Child to Defend Himself?

By Dr. Michelle Alvarez, Consulting Educator
 

Question:

My son just received three days in an alternative school for defending himself in a fight. What is upsetting me is that if he did not defend himself, he would be bullied. So what is a parent to do? What is right? Teach your child to defend himself or teach him to allow bullies to pick on him?

Answer:

I would assume your son is in middle or high school. I will also assume that by using the term "alternative school" you are referring to a program within the home-school that is "in-school suspension." Regardless of the terminology and grade level, you bring up a legitimate issue as to what to tell our children about defending themselves when physically attacked.

In most cases a student is aware there is a problem before it gets physical. Did your student talk with his counselor, assistant principal, school social worker or another adult in the building prior to the incident to indicate there was a problem? Did you know about the disharmony ahead of time and inform the school?

Educators are trained to deal with bullying and other types of issues. Many schools have peer mediation, where concerns are addressed prior to escalating into a physical confrontation; however, an adult in the school must be notified there is a problem. Being proactive is always better than being reactive. Students have choices; they need to learn there are alternatives to violence in most cases.

As a parent I would want to know what really started the altercation in the first place? Did my child say something inappropriate or was he totally innocent of any wrongdoing whatsoever? It takes two people to fight. Was there an adult witness to the fight?

Most schools provide a student handbook or a copy of student conduct rights, responsibilities, discipline policy and student rules at the beginning of each school year, or when a student enrolls in a new school. Violation of any rule can result in disciplinary action. Discipline helps to keep and ensure order and safety in schools. In most schools when students fight, they are suspended from school or placed in an alternative setting. This time is used not only as a "cooling off period" for those that fought but to also let all students know there are consequences to fighting, fighting is unacceptable, and fighting will not be tolerated.

You did not state your child had been bullied but "he would be bullied" if he did not fight. If your child is a victim of bullying, it is imperative that school officials be notified immediately. In some instances bullying is a cry for help. By notifying school officials, you may be affording him the counseling and help needed to change inappropriate behavior.

But we have to treat everyone equally, victim and aggressor alike.

What you can do is learn more about the discipline policy of your son's school and become active in advocating for any changes that need to be made. Some schools have committees that address school issues and this might be your opportunity to participate and provide parent input. A clear code of conduct that is consistently implemented among the school administrators is an important first step. A schoolwide bullying prevention program might be another step or you may want to talk with the administration about the procedures that are in effect in the school for bullying. You may also want to volunteer to serve on a committee to help initiate a policy if one is not in place. Make no mistake. Bullying is not a laughing matter and requires attention.

Editor's note: Because of the volume of comments we received about this article, we asked the authors to respond. Here's what they had to say:

Should I Teach My Child to Defend Himself? A Follow-Up Response

What is apparent in the responses to this question is that many parents are frustrated when they feel that they have contacted school personnel and "nothing is done about it." Bullying is very traumatic for the victim and it is essential that the bullying be addressed immediately. Many respondents felt that their children should have parental permission to defend themselves. However, this is not a recommended response in research published on bullying. In fact, the opposite is true. Teaching children to respond with calmness and confidence is suggested.

Early intervention is the first key to a good outcome for the student, parent and school. What was stated in the original response to this question was that, "Being proactive is always better than being reactive." The response also suggested the student tell an adult at school. To provide further resources on the topic of what the student can do in reaction to bullying, please see the following Web sites:

Stop Bullying Now

Pacer Center's Kids Against Bullying

Many Web sites provide ideas for what parents can do to help their children who are being bullied. Most sites advocate for empowering children and youth to learn to handle the bullying and put a stop to it early. In this way they learn the skills they need to prevent it from happening in the future, even if an adult doesn't listen to their report of bullying. Some of the resources include the following:

Back Off Bully

Mental Health

We noted a frustration with schools that do not respond to student/parent reports of bullying. The following two Web sites offer some good ideas about gathering data to present to the school to support your claims. Ideas included in these sites include learning about the chain of command and following it (teacher, principal, superintendent); identifying a reasonable response time to know when to move up the chain of command; contacting other parents to see if they have reported bullying and received a response; and when to get the police involved. These two resources, from the National Mental Health Information Center are:

What Can Parents Do?

How to Talk With Educators at Your Child's School About Bullying: Tips for Parents of Bullied Children

Prevention programs beginning in early childhood help create a school culture that does not tolerate violence and sets a standard for expectations when bullying occurs. Some examples of research-based programs include:

Second Step: A Violence Prevention Curriculum

Get Real About Violence

The Olweus Bullying Prevention Program

Prevention programs can be funded by grants from local business (perhaps your employer) and local foundations. You can help the schools access programs for which they currently do not have funds. Much of education funding (as noted in the reader comments) is targeted to academic instruction due to increased accountability being placed on the schools. This does not mean that school districts do not address bullying nor does it mean they do not want to employ a research-based program to address bullying. With limited funds, schools must leverage all resources available to them.

Addressing bullying is the responsibility of the community, schools, parents and youth. Bullying occurs in many settings and must be addressed in an organized and purposeful manner.

 

Dr. Michelle Alvarez is an adjunct professor at the University of Southern Indiana and project director of Safe Schools/Healthy Students for the Evansville-Vanderburgh School Corporation. A former school social worker in Pinellas County, Florida, she is co-editor of School Social Work: Theory to Practice and chair of the National Association of Social Workers, School Social Work Section. She is also the parent of a special needs child.

Advice from our experts is not a substitute for professional diagnosis or treatment from a health-care provider or learning expert familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's condition.

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Comments from GreatSchools.net readers

11/17/2009:
"My jr. high daughter has been a victim of bullying for the past 3 years. just recently she fought back against her attacker and received a 7-1.2 day suspension and the assistant principal is filing charges against my daughter for assault and battery. This occured on fri. the 13th at 9:00 am and we were not notified until 2:00 pm. Our daughter suffered a contussion, bruising on her chest, a bloody nose which was concealed by the assistant principal, bruised ribs, dizziness, and aches in her neck from her hair being pulled out. We took her to the emergency room where she received treatment and a cat scan was performed to rule out a concussion. The hospital staff contacted authorities who filed a complaint and we were urged to file a complaint. The bullying has been going on for several years and our daughter has been living a nightmare. She finally fought back . We have always told our children to speak up for what is right and to defend themselves if need be. We are at thi! s point prepared to take legal action against the school as well as the perpetrator. We are disgusted and angry that this school has adopted the zero tolerance policy but has failed to apply it and analyze this problem. Three fights have already broken out over the past 2-1.2 months and we live in a very affluent community and pay an exhorbant amount of school taxes.The assistant principal displays anger when dealing with students, irrational behavior, and lacks compassion, humility and integrity. She displays no self control and uses intimidation and scare tactics to humiliate and degrade the students. Her character is less than desirable and this continued behavior is unacceptable. Our daughter has never displayed acts of violence nor has she ever been accused of acting out in a violent manner. But the perpetrator has already been suspended for hitting another student and making derogatory remarks to a mentally challenged student. What was my daughter suppose to do? Lay ! there and get beaten? What if the girl had a knife? And to all! ow my daughter to sit at the school for 5 hours without any medical attention and without notifying us is against family rights. We are extremely unhappy. "
07/7/2009:
"What a wonderful world it must be, to live this fantasy. Perhaps the police should treat victim and aggressor alike, as you do--that would solve as many problems as your 'solutions' claim to. "
05/26/2009:
"I find the concept of treating the bully and the victim 'the same' a bit sick. My child, who is martial arts trained and could defend themselves well was so disheartened after sixth grade, I pulled this child out and home-schooled them. My child chose not to use violence in any form (abhored the concept of even verbal violence and yet was getting so angry that they were considering being as verbally and physically abusive as they were being treated out of sheer frustration). What a great year of discovery and relationship building we had. It was a challenge, but we chose a homeschool curriculum and learned lots. In sixth grade my child was failing math. When my child returned to school in eighth grade B's and A's became the norm. Still the school sought to bad-mouth our home-schooling efforts. Before leaving school, this child's posture was a perpetual C-curve. After a year of home-schooling, I could see the proud, upright stance had returned. I know many, even most pa! rents can't afford a year off to homeschool, but if you possibly can, it just might open up a new world for child and parent. We found bullying simply wasn't taken seriously at our school, an 'award-winning' school. Academic Test results only give one view of a schools profile. How they treat the kids and how they implement their supposed 'no tolerance' policy is a big part of your child's overall educational experience. Apparently some schools do it better than others. Sadly for the kids and their emotional scars. Schools are in one sense a holding pen for kids while their parents work. With the high salaries received by veteran teahcers and administrators and the tremendous school taxes being paid out by home-owners, schools should return our chldren to us in the same or better shape than when they eft home. Bullying should not be tolerated. Social education should not be a fringe topic, but a major course of study. "
03/12/2009:
"thank you for the information on your web-sie , however i still am having a few unanswered questions. my daughter is in the 3rd grade and she was attacked today by a boy in her class. Ive told her to defend herself if someone trys to harm her and that is just what she did. She is a very well mannered kid and has never had an incident like this before. because of the fact that she stood up for herself she lost recesses, and had to do detention time, I was not notified of the incident until she came home with a write up report. I have had issues wih the school recently with kids bullying and still nothing was done. Even when she was sexually grabbed in the chest by another child at the school... still nothing was done. Im not sure what to do. I feel as though I want to transfer her to another school however im not sure if thats the best thing to do in the middle of the year. Please Help....... "
12/3/2008:
"I 100% agree with 10-6-08, my daughter was kicked by a boy in her class who is 10' taller than her, she kicked him back(because we told her to , we were tired of her being bullied) they were both suspended and got the same amount of time, I thought this was ridiculous, this kid admitted to kicking her first. We decided that the next time an incident occured we would not hit back we would give the school a chance to settle it, she was attacked in the locker room by a girl who started screaming and yelling in her face she used the back of her hand against her face to keep the breathe and the spit out of her face the girl than bent her hand back,my daughter pushed her to get her off of her hand the girl then started slapping her in the face several times until she fell on the floor and her glasses were knocked off, as she went for her glasses, the girl reached down and picked them up and bent them,my daughter ran to the school police who did nothing but send her to the office ! where she was made to feel because she put her hand up she probably made the girl mad.she was sent back to the locker room to gather her things(alone) which had been ripped and thrown around the locker room and some things stolen.The investigation said that my daughter lied people who were not in the locker room stepped up to say my daughter was lying. No one will tell on a bully and no one will tell on their friend. I took my daughter to the ER and gave them the report she had facial contussions they disregarded this and made me feel like my daughter and I were lairs. "
12/3/2008:
"We have a bully problem at middle school Evansville,In.Ours is a new student,the same boys take pencils get in his folders dump things,tried to block him in bathroom he pushed out, put garbage on table at lunch,poked in hall.I have called school 5 x and still calling this is now Dec.this a partial list,we told him time to take his part,the school is not doing there job.the supt. office is the next call."
10/6/2008:
"This answer is completely academic and has little practical value. I'm surprised you say 'it takes two people to fight' as this shows a real lack of understanding for what bullying is. The bottom line is that we should not punish a child for defending themselves. Furthermore, how exactly are we preparing the child for life beyond school? Bullies can appear at anytime in life. Who then should the child turn to for help? We need to support children in developing their own self-esteem. They should have the faith to rely on themselves, first and foremost, in difficult situations. We should not teach them to be victims. Natural self-esteem is often all that is needed to disarm potential bullies. Posted by a former 'victim'. "
07/9/2008:
"punishing a kid for defending himself against a schoolyard bully/aggressor and giving him the same punishment is ludicrous and it is liberal. you who wrote this article pretty much state that a kid DOESN'T have the right to defend himself. Should a person be prosecuted and sent to prison for shooting a violent intruder in his home? punishing a kid for defending himself by giving him the same punishment as the aggressor quite frankly doesn't teach kids the difference between right and wrong. "
03/20/2008:
"well, ok. i believe you said he shouldnt have defended himslef, because it was probably against the school rules, or implied it. but bullying is probably against the school rules too, but the bully was bullying. you forgot to mention that. if it were me, i would have defended myself. i would rather take a kid out in self defense than get my face smashed in by a bully. "
03/5/2008:
"Hi my daughter is in the 6th grade and she has been taunted and teased and bullyed by the same 3 girls to the point of i'm ready to lose it..i decided to get a job at the school, to have the girls to bully me (an adult)i tryed going to the principle before, but nothen was getting done..so i thought i would work there to protect her, to get fired cause the girls would go to the principle office and say i was calling them bad names, to be told cause we have just moved to the area 7 months ago that we didn't have any rights cause we are new, not to complain and should just pretty much say and do nothen..we tryed everything to resolved this issue we tryed the principle's and tryed talking to the parents and even tryed killing them with kindness..so finally i told my daughter whom i have always told to walk away ,to fight back now..she needs not to be vitamize any more and i am thinking of inrolling her in some kind of marcial arts too...but we feel like vitaims from the school t! o not only from the students..cause they are letting it happen! now i can see why kids go and shoot up the schools..they really need more inforcments when it comes to these kinds of sineros..and i do belive that the kids doing the bullying have not good home life. I did everything right...went to the priciple's tryed the parents and ect..so what else can my child do to stop them...i love my kids and i will put my boxing gloves on and someone is going to go down..cause what kind of mom would i be if i let this continue!!"
12/3/2007:
"My son is 6 and in 1st grade. I am considering private school for him. He will not defend himself or tell the teacher when someone does something. I think he feels embarassed when something happens and he does nothing about it and I am concerned about his self esteem. I think this is something that he will grow out of. Until then, I think a with smaller school and class size there will be fewer things happen. I hope."
11/7/2007:
"I have one little issue with the suggestion that a child should tell an adult about a 'problem before it gets physical'. My son is 6.5 and has a few issues at school. We have always counseled him to use words first (i.e., if someone is picking on him or hitting him, to tell them loudly, to 'STOP'.) BUT, if telling someone to stop doesn't work, I tell him to push them away from him physically. (Not to hit them, just to push them away if they don't listen to his 'STOP'.) At 6 years of age, in a new school, my son simply is not willing to talk to an adult he doesn't know. (He's moderately shy.) Unfortunately, his first attempt to tell a teacher of a problem ended with the teacher (a female) telling him to 'Shhhh'. A female student hat hit him, pushed him down and then kicked him. His school is taught almost exclusively by women. I have a feeling they just don't deal with boys very well. I'm reading every 'boy-based' development book I can find ('Real Boys', 'Raising Cain! ', 'The Minds of Boys', and 'Why Gender Matters' to name a few.) I'm hoping to better understand how his mind works so I can educate his teachers (who seem to have no clue...)"
10/30/2007:
"I have sat and watched my child fall apart - I am at my end with it! My child has respect for others and their belongings recently my son has been choked on the playground, thrown litterly out of a classroom against wall, had a frozen water bottle hit the back of his head almost knocking him unconcious, glasses broken 2 times now (which he needs being he has strabismus-of course school wont see this being I am not low income or the right creed!) Teacher accusing him of stealing a backpack in class - when in actuallity the students were harrassing him by knocking his books off desk and taking his backpack! I have filed several complaints and now it is worse! My son feels hated by everyone on campus, being harassed by students and acutlly crying in class in 7th grade! Its obvious we are not wanted! "
10/25/2007:
"A true bully will end up where he/she belongs...behind bars. Bullies beget bullies beget bullies. Parents of bullies were most likely bullies themselves. It's ridiculous. People, teach your children right and they won't become bullies. People, teach your children right and they will know how to handle bullies. Call the police if they threaten your child!!! Don't wait until it's too late."
10/24/2007:
"I am a parent of a 15 year old boy, and I had always taught him to defend himself if bullied. Now, I'm eating my words. My son overheard people talking about a boy that 'wanted' to beat him up, so my son acted first by punching the boy in the face. His explanation was that he was too scared to wait to see what the other boy would do, so he decided to strike first. I am trying to un-do a lot of things I have told him. This doesn't really teach our children anything; it puts fear into them that they must always be on the look-out for trouble."
10/18/2007:
"A true bully will not back off with intervenion. As a last resort I would let my son work over the school bully. All bullies stop when anyone gives him one in the chops."
10/12/2007:
"Hi i have been suspended from school for fighting on the bus after i was hit in the head twice and the first time i was hit i told the girl to stop ands she hit me again and i fought back now i have am suspended what i did was right some adults these days don't understand how just one little hit can just ruin you the whole time in school if i hadn't hit the girl back i would have been pick on and beaten up almost everyday I'm not a trouble maker at tall i receive A's and B's and i don't even curse or do drugs i just know when to draw the line they can say whatever they want to me but when u touch me its a different story."
07/13/2007:
"I completely and wholeheartedly agree with the statement made on 06/27! I can't believe you would make such a statement, either."
06/27/2007:
"'But we have to treat everyone equally, victim and aggressor alike.' You have got to be kidding! Thank goodness our justice system does not work this way. I can not believe you would make such a statement."
05/30/2007:
"MY SON USES HIS WORD POWER TO GET THOUGH THE MINOR SCRAPES WITH BULLIES IN THE HALLS AND ON THE PLAY GROUND. HE'S A BIG GENTLE BOY...BUT I'VE TOLD HIM, IF SOMEONE LAYS THEIR HANDS ON YOU YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEFEND YOURSELF PHYSICALLY. AS I HAVE HAD TO DO IN THE PAST. WHEN YOU TALK TO THE TEACHERS ABOUT THESE BULLY KIDS, ITS REAL CLEAR THAT THEIR PARENTS ARE ABUSIVE AND ITS SUPPOSE TO BE REPORTED BY LAW. GET SOME GUTS, PEOPLE. NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE UNTIL WE CHANGE IT. "
05/30/2007:
"I would like to learn more about this particularly for preshoolers. My daughter is 4 years old and has, on numerous occasions, told me of a boy in her school who is 'mean', and hits the other kids, etc. Also, she has told me that no one likes her and that worries me too. How do I help her to have high self esteem?"
05/30/2007:
"My grandson has always been taught not to fight but after getting assaulted 6 times since starting middle school I am thinking of enrolling him in martial arts. "
05/25/2007:
"It's funny but the law for adults is that you can defend your person or your property from assault with equal force. How is it that teens are not afforded the same rights. You are assuming that an adult was available or present or willing to intervene. This is not always the case. "
05/25/2007:
"What do you do in the case where your child is acosted then you notify the school administration (principal) and they take no action? What is the escalation protocol? Should I involve the police if the fight resulted in my child being hospitalized?"
05/24/2007:
"I think that this also varies from school to school, from administration, to administration. I spent 8 months trying to get bullies to stop bullying my daughter and took it all through the appropriate steps. To the teacher, adminitration, the school board and finally the district. It was a charter school and finally received an email stating that the law was never broken (I didn't think to call the police when my daughter was 'Hit' all the way to and from a field trip) so no further action would be taken. The schoo year is now almost over and I was asked to not make any further trouble and to try to have a better year next year. This is my daughter's first year in public school and she is asking me to be home schooled next year. My first thought is to make her go back so that she doesn't run away from her problems. However, I seriously have to give the home school some serious consideration when even I ran out of 'help' to solve the problem."
05/24/2007:
"I believe in teaching my children self defense. As was said by another parent, martial arts offer self defense courses, as do some gyms and police deptartments. It is important for children to know that they have choices. Otherwise, we are teaching them to be 'The latest, greatest victim' of yet another bully that the school won't control. I think my kids' saftey should come well before 'school protocol' The schools are going to cover their rear-ends because of the liability involved. I say make a police report with your local police. At least then you can evidence a pattern with the offending child, and force the parents of the bully into litigation when the school can't/won't do anything. They probably won't arrest the bully, but you CAN make a police report at every instance that can be used to evidence patterned behavior."
05/24/2007:
"While I agree with you advice I have firsthand experience with a school that does nothing to enforce their ‘no bullying’ rule. The school where my children attend school (elementary / Jr. High school) states they will not tolerate bullying but when my daughter reported that she was being threatened by another female student the administration said 'don't worry, she won't do anything' and then the school administration did just that, nothing. Within a week, the same girl was beating on another girl (at a Sonic burger - which is 3 blocks away from their school - that many student went to during a lunch on a half day) and I learned that the same student was involved in altercations the year prior. As a result this and other issues we will be sending one of children to a private school (for gifted children) and the other were are seriously considering home-schooling. Sincerely, A frustrated and disappointed parent."
05/24/2007:
"I don't agree that we have to treat the victim AND THE AGRESSOR alike... That gives the agressor a reason that it is ok to do what he/she did. Yes, it is a cry for help. I agree the first step should be the victim telling someone, but in cases when they can't, if the victim pushes back or uses defense to stop from getting hit, they should receive minor punishment. If they hit back and are not just defending, then they deserve punishment too. Bullying should not be allowed. The agressor should have more consequences. I know. I was a victim. I didn't even hit back or push back and was punished, in school and at home. I was attacked unfairly. Since I was punished for fighting, even when I didn't, should I have just fought back since the punishment is the same?! The victim and the aggressor should NOT be treated the SAME."
05/24/2007:
"It is amazing that teachers fall for the nice girl to them who intimidates and is MEAN to other girls. My daughter had an issue with a mean girl at dance and I had a friend who teaches at the girls school who said she has such a nice personality - yet when my daughter asked a boy who went to her school why she was mean to her, he said she is like that to the girls at school as well. Girl bullying is very different from boy bullying"
05/24/2007:
"My school has a peer mediation program,a student government that set rules and reglations and a conflict resolution teacher who teaching bulling tactics and proper responses to a bully.It all sounds great. tHE MAJOR PROBLEM IS WE HAVE AN ADMINISTRATION THAT IS MUCH MORE WORRIED ABOUT TEST SCORES AND NOT OFFENDING A PARENT THAN THEY ARE ABOUT ENFORCING BEHAVIOR RULES IN OUR SCHOOL.pARENTS YOU MUST GET INVOLVED IN FINDING OUT WHAT IS THE TRUE STORY ABOUT BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS IN YOUR SCHOOL AND HOW IT AFFECTS YOUR CHILD'S LEARNING."
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