Ask the Experts

Help! My Child Won't Listen

Question:

I have a 6-year-old daughter in kindergarten. Thankfully, she is social and outgoing. But I am now experiencing the downside of this, which is that in the last week she has twice been given a behavior mark at school for not listening to the teacher. She went all the way from August to December with no negative behavior marks. On her report card, which I just received, she achieved the highest mark possible on every single item listed.

Her sudden problem with listening at school is troubling me. At home, my husband and I struggle every day to get her to listen. I have found that I have to say something two to three times before she even hears it; she's always busy playing with her younger sister. It's like she has tuned our voices out. Now the same thing seems to be happening at school.

What do you recommend?

Answer:

I think you may be combining two separate issues. Having a "social and outgoing" temperament does not necessarily result in "not listening" behavior. I think you are on track when you say; "It's like she has tuned our voices out." Repeating instructions over and over to children can be like speaking louder to someone who doesn't speak your language. No matter how loud or how often, the message is stated, it will not be honored if it is incomprehensible to the recipient.

Appropriate listening skills can be learned. Here are some thoughts on how to help your child listen.

Use a tone of voice that is respectful yet firm.
Avoid repeating by not giving too many directions at once.
State the directions in simple and clear terms with reasonable consequences if they aren't carried out.
Prevent confusion by not giving directions in the form of a question or favor unless that is what you mean.
Make sure that your child is paying attention when you are giving the instruction and that there are no distractions.
If you don't think your child heard or understood, ask her to repeat it back to you so that you can clarify.
Use positive reinforcement when she carries out your instructions.

A book that you might refer to is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

One benefit of developing better listening skills at home is that your daughter's behavior will generalize to school. It would be important to share what you are doing with her teacher and find ways to collaborate so that your daughter's new skills are being reinforced consistently.

Debra Collins is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Advice from our experts is not a substitude for medical or other professional advice and services from a qualified health-care provider familiar with your unique situation. We recommend consulting a qualified professional if you have concerns about your child's medical or emotional condition.

Comments from GreatSchools.net readers

05/11/2009:

"OK...this DOES NOT work. I have a child that is not ADHD. I have been very, very consistent with her discipline. I do spank my child, but it is never, never the first option, and time outs work about 90% of the time..but it is that 10% that drives me nuts. Example. Today, she asked to go outside and play. We have a lot of dirt around from flowers as well as a couple of places where water collects. I gave her two instructions: Don't play with water and don't play with dirt. She repeated the 'rules' back to me. She wasn't outside 5 minutes when I saw her playing in one of the flower pots. I told her to come in (she was shocked when I saw her)..I asked her what I did and she repeated it back to me exactly. I sent her to her room for time-out..15 minutes. At the end she stated that what she did was wrong and said she wouldn't do it again. I repeated the rules, she repeated them back. Again, she wasn't outside 5 minutes before I saw her taking a water can and pourin! g water over this and that...when I yelled for her she dropped it and ran. I made her come back in...I spanked her on her bottom. She knew before I spanked her what she did wrong. It was 1:00 on a nice day after 9 days of rain and I had to tell her she couldn't go back outside the rest of the day. She is almost 5 years old and very, very smart for her age...the books don't tell you what to do after the time-outs don't work. I am 100% consistent in my discipline..she KNOWS she will get a spanking on the 2nd violation..so WHY does she do what she wants anyway so soon after hearing the rules and verbalizing understanding?"

09/15/2008:

"Ms. Collins, My five year old started Kindergarten and is having a very hard time with his adjustment.His homeroom teacher seems to have a zero tolerance policy and tends to send him out of the class whenever he makes noise at his desk(tapping he pencil,knocking on the desk). I find this to be a bit extreme(correct me if I am wrong) because I believe it is sending a very negative message to my five year old.He may be naughty but he is very bright. I guess my concern is how to help him settle in. His afternoon teacher is very different and even though he is not working to his potential in that class either he does behave better. I have enlisted the help of the Vice Principal because I am very concernd that my five year old is about to become a negative stereotype. I would love for your feedback. I am a very concerned mother."

11/20/2007:

"I am not sure what getting a behavior mark is but there are many things a teacher can do to get the class attention before giving instruction. If even after getting cues from the teacher for attention she is not atentive then there should be some sort of logical consequence, for example those who pay attention first are rewarded with front of the line or first choice for stickers that sort of thing. "

10/22/2007:

"I have two kids and used to not listening at all. I tried to sit down with them individually and star promoting a need to a good behavior at home and at school. Also, every morming I ask them to tell me what we talked before and make sure they understand the possible consequences at school and at home."

09/4/2007:

"I experienced this issue with my middle daughter and because she is a very kinetic learner it helped to tap her shoulder gently before speaking to her. That physical signal got her attention and allowed her to focus on my instructions."