"Can't we all just get along?": Three moms on surviving family gatherings
The holidays were approaching — and my anxiety over the prospect of spending time with my extended family was gnawing at me. I love my family, but their lack of empathy and understanding toward my son, John, often mars festive family occasions. John has AD/HD and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). His behavior was out of control when he was younger, but with proper help and his own determination, he's become a wonderful (and well-behaved) teenager. Yet certain relatives continue their "tradition" of criticizing him — and me — for being less than perfect.
Who could I talk to who'd understand my stress — and help me face the holidays? I decided to invite two wonderful women I'd recently met at a conference: Anna and her second husband have a 21-year-old son, Tom, who has AD/HD and dyslexia; Lynn and her husband have an adopted son, Ryan, who is 16 and has AD/HD and dyslexia.
We gathered at my apartment on a crisp Saturday afternoon in late October to enjoy holiday crafts, music, food, and each other's company. We talked openly about the challenges we and our sons face with our extended families — and how we've learned to deal with it. We laughed, cried, and learned together. It was like a group therapy session — but with hot apple cider! Our conversation went something like this:
I'm dreading our family gatherings during the holidays, because my relatives so often misunderstand — even — mistreat my son. Am I the only one?
Anna: I know what you mean. When my son, Tom, was young, every family visit was difficult. During grade school and middle school he was teased at school, and then he got the same treatment by his cousins. Tom had speech problems and also missed a lot of social cues; one cousin really teased him about that, which made Tom anxious and caused him to stutter. That same cousin called him names (like "retarded") and refused to play with him.
Katy: And it isn't just holidays that trigger this family behavior. I've repressed this memory for six years, but it just came back to stab me in the heart. It was when John's father (my ex-husband) was getting remarried. At the last minute, John's father uninvited him to his wedding. He'd taken John to the rehearsal dinner without giving him his medication (for AD/HD); when John acted up (in a restaurant filled with soon-to-be relatives he'd just met), I was called to pick up my little boy (he was 9 years old) at the restaurant. No amount of negotiation with my ex as to how I would help John prepare for the wedding (even explaining which uncle he felt safest sitting with during the ceremony) made any difference. You can imagine how painful that was for my son — and me.
Has your family criticized you and your parenting skills — either openly or behind your back?
Anna: Whenever the cousin I mentioned was cruel to my son, and I wanted to correct the situation, I was accused of being overprotective. My sister (the bully's mother) told me "Kids will be kids." I wanted just one place where my son could feel safe and accepted. I was devastated that it couldn't be with my family.
Lynn: My experience was a little different. When Ryan was younger, my parents and siblings used to ask me why I was so strict with him — why I managed his behavior so closely. They told me, "He's just an active little boy." I carefully explained that he could go from 20 to 110 miles per hour in about three seconds and that I was trying to prevent him escalating into behavior that they definitely wouldn't just describe as active! The underlying message my husband and I got was that we were creating Ryan's behavior by keeping him on such a tight leash.
Now that Ryan is older, a couple of my siblings are comfortable enough to manage or criticize his behavior — out loud — in front of others. To be fair, I've told them that in social settings he should respond to their requests as he does to ours. But usually they get frustrated by his not listening or not complying quickly with their request. They get angry and moralistic, which embarrasses him and makes me angry. But I also realize that most people — no matter how much they may care for your child, and my siblings are also very good with him at times — just don't get what it means for a child to have AD/HD and/or learning disabilities. How it affects all aspects of their functioning and behavior, and that they often can't help it.
Katy: Yeah, ignorance is not bliss when you're on the receiving end of it!
